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Jennifer Lopez reveals that deciding to end her marriage with Ben Affleck felt like she was “going to die.”

During a recent interview, the artist explains, the breakup over 20 years ago with her now hubby- felt like the end for her. “Twenty years ago, I fell in love with the love of my life,” Lopez explained. “Now, the most amazing, incredible, unbelievable thing has happened… the reason we’re here is because I want to capture this moment in time because it is even better than the first time.”

J Lo and Affleck are now married again for the second time, but they called their initial engagement off in 2004. “It was so painful after we broke up. Once we called off that wedding 20 years ago, I was — it was the biggest heartbreak of my life. I honestly felt like I was going to die,” Lopez recalled. “It sent me on a spiral for the next 18 years where I just couldn’t get it right. Couldn’t get it right. But now, 20 years later, it does have a happy ending. It has the most would-never-happen-in-Hollywood ending. ‘That would never happen. We’re not going to write that because nobody would believe it’ ending.”

She also admits that the media played a part in the demise of their relationship. “That was part of what destroyed us was the outside energy that was coming at us. And we loved each other, it was hard. It felt, at times, unfair, but neither one of us is that person to be like, woe is me. So we were like, ‘Well, we just got to dust it off and keep it moving.’ And I think, in the weirdest way, that it motivated both of us to then become and do the things that we wound up doing, which is kind of go into hyper-gear,” she said, noting they had “to do it separately.” He went into hyper-gear and I went into hyper-gear. But not together. We had to do it separately… It fueled us in a weird way that we felt we had to prove ourselves again.”